Nerd to "Trophy Wife" to Love of My Life

“Let me see that picture!” T asked me, as we sat on the questionably (actually not a question) filthy dorm room carpet.

I passed her my album. It was one of those cheap ones meant to house 4”x6” photos, purchased from a dollar store years ago, and only made use of by Mom.

It found its way (complete with pictures from babyhood through prom) to me in the dorm care package she sent.

“Woah! You know what? I can see G as a trophy wife for sure,” she said.

She’d obviously missed the adolescent shots of chubby, bowl-cut me, with two enormous front teeth and a vast uncertainty that hid behind my fake smile.

“Wait is that a compliment?” I asked, unsure whether, as UC Berkeley undergrads, we were supposed to delight in being called out for our appearance.

“Well duh, G,” said J, adding in her two cents. “If I could be a trophy wife, I’d do it in a heartbeat.” As an out-of-state Chinese American student from Kentucky, J had a fiercely sharp mind, but also wrestled with the internal demons that come with being from a place as white (maybe whiter, and certainly more prejudiced) than where I’d come from.

She struggled with, you know, self doubt, self consciousness, and a weird paradoxical desire to both fit in, and stand out at once. And it made her socially awkward and oddly offensive to the rest of our group (I think we all cut her off, shortly after this conversation).

“Ok, well thank you!” I said.

And that was the end of that very short and inconsequential exchange. Only, it wasn’t. Years later I thought of it, still puzzled as to how this former nerd who was constantly teased for her too-small nose and her too small eyes and her short eyelashes, had become a head turner in college (literally people turned their heads to look at me as was pointed out by J, as we walked through a crowded Sproul Plaza).

It made me realize that so much of how we perceive ourselves, comes from an adjustable, ever-changing framework of beauty and societal norms 100% based on who we’re surrounded by.

Going from a homogenous white beach community to one that boasted 30%+ Asian Am population, completely reset the standards.

I didn’t have a “too flat nose” I had a perfect “button” nose. And I didn’t have small eyes, to the contrary, my eyes were relatively large for some one of East Asian descent with a monolid. And my freckles, which I thought helped me blend in with white peers back home, helped me stand out (as did my legs and height) in a largely Asian Am environment.

Spoiler alert, I did not end up being a “trophy wife.”

I married some one objectively very attractive and financially we’re relatively equal contributors to our household.

But I did move back after college to a still relatively homogeneously white area. And you know what? If I could go back and tell the insecure, studious me, what she had to look forward to, I’d tell her she ends up alright. She ends up loved and despite being teased as a child, she ends up, even in her 4th decade of life, a “head turner.”

Sure she’s objectively attractive. But she’s so much more than that because she wasn’t taught to rely on something so ephemeral. She’s also smart, empathetic, articulate, and loving. And she can cut through bullshit with a knife. “Don’t worry baby,” I’d tell my chubby and confused 4th grade self. “Keep doing you, keep focusing on what matters, everyone else is just static.”

As for J, despite a promising early career at IBM, she left to pursue acting - the one thing, with the exception of modeling and now, maybe being an influencer, that exposes you to the most arbitrary, superficial, and harsh standards. Really, the only person who should be setting the standard for you, is you.